Life is Messy!

I have been thinking about stuff lately like Life. I heard a few stories lately of people's lives. And most of them not so pretty; lives involving rape, child molestation, incest, cults, divorce, drugs, and alcoholism. In my mind when I hear of people walking through those horrific events I think well if they just had Jesus then their problems would be solved. Jesus is the answer! But he isn't...at least not in the way I have been thinking. I used to think that if you do A, B, and C then you will get the perfect outcome, and that may have been true in the Garden of Eden but ever since sin things don't work so easily! You can do A, B, and C...and D and E and F and...so on, but things still might not turn out the way we hoped or expected. You see when I used to think Jesus was the answer I was thinking well if I just try to be perfect and live my life the right way then none of those terrible things will happen to me! And that isn't true! That has never been promised to me! God said that all things happen for the good of those who love him and are called according to His purpose but He didn't say that everything that will happen will be good and perfect happily ever after! Thinking that way is religious entitlement! Life is Messy and things don't always turn out the way we want them to. The answer isn't Jesus, the answer is to follow Jesus, to love Him with all your Heart, mind, and soul, to give him all your problems and trust that He has a plan and a purpose for them that will be good for you in the end. Jesus had a crappy life by the world's standards but in the end He had everything! He is God! Life is such a tiny blink of eternity and if we worry and fret about it being perfect, just like we imagine it to then we are wasting our life! Wasting time to give more glory to God by following Him, pursuing His heart EVEN in our trouble and worries and hard times!

I was reading a book about a marriage where the woman wanted to divorce her husband so she did everything she could to make her husband fall out of love with her so they could divorce. She wanted to be with another man but her husband couldn't let her go. He kept fighting to win her love back! She eventually left and they divorced at least legally but years and years went by and the husband still acted married. He still wore his ring, he still prayed for his wife. He still loved her. Truly loved her. He wouldn't give her up because that what true love was. He did A, B, and C but he still was left alone the rest of his life while his wife married another man and moved on. Life is messy! He loved God and did what was asked of hi. He never got the results he desired but he got something better. True love from his Savior and king Jesus.

Another example is I was talking to a woman about her childhood. She had been molested and raped by close family members. Things that were dont to her were so terrible! But when she had the opportunities to escape from her molesters she lied to protect them. She was more afraid of the unknown of being pulled from the only family she knew even if they did cause her the greatest pain. And I have heard of so many more stories similar! God healed her after many many years but why all the pain!

So my conclusion...Life is messy...Following Jesus is the answer...Don't get attached to your dream come true plans in this life...Praise Jesus in all circumstances!

Boys...

So I went to the DMV yesterday. I walked in expecting it to be self-explanatory like all the other DMV's that I have been to. I looked around for a thing to take a number but there wasn't one. And there wasn't a line on anything obvious that says GO HERE!!! So I went to ask a nice looking lady that was sitting waiting to have her number called to ask her where I should go. While I walking over to her I noticed there was a young man (boy) that was smiling at me. I politely smiled back and made sure to not look over near him again.

I was directed to a desk where I waited for assistance and was then given a number. So I went to sit down and wait. As I was waiting I could tell the guy was staring at me! It was so awkward! Soon he walked past me slowed down to turn around and smile again at me and say hi as he walked out the door. Again I smiled back politely but then averted my eyes to the floor. I didn't want to give him any extra attention! A minute later he walked back in and sat down a couple of rows behind me, again I could tell he was still looking at me! I was praying someone would call my number but mine was still 10 numbers or so away! Then he came and sat next to me!!! UGH!

He sits down and introduces himself and asks how old I am?!?! What a weird way of making yourself know! He says he is 24 and wants to know if he can have my phone number. I told him that to get my phone number He had to speak with my step dad first. He was a little taken back. So he gave me his number instead. Then he asked me a few questions to make light conversation then went on his merry way, or so I thought.

I was finally called up, did my business then walked outside to leave and guess who's there waiting? His car just happened to be parked 2 cars away from mine with no in between. He comes towards me again as I walked to my car and asks, "So could you call me before your dad does?" I told him that I would ask him, that I trusted his judgment way more than I do my own! I said goodnight and left. So awkward!!!

I know that I have been in a little bubble for the past two years but wow talk about bold! Oh and I forgot to mention to you that I had no make-up one, super frizzy curly hair that day and my baggy work clothes on. I am not saying that I am hideous unless I am all dolled up but come on! I definitely wasn't strutting my stuff! So I gave the phone number to my step dad this morning and he threw it away. Fine with me! I have two theories... 1) He was a christian and was so overwhelmed by the Holy Spirit telling him that I was too and that he should be bold and pursue me OR... 2) He saw me walk in looking frazzled and unsure of myself so thought I would be a vulnerable and needy girl who would be easy to prey upon. My bets are on number 2.

I mean who knows maybe its a totally different story but it makes me sad because even if it wasn't what I think it is, I know that guys (I mean boys) are doing these kind of things every day! Yesterday I represented millions of girls who are unsure of themselves, don't know their worth, and are looking for someone to love them. It would have been so easy for me to have said yes to his desires to receive the love I would have needed so desperately! I could have looked past the red lights and given into the unknown and could have gotten myself into A LOT of trouble. Who knows who he is! He could be a great guy, but the chances are he isn't. And the chances are that if I was any other girl I would have fallen prey to his tricks and would end more broken than when I walked in! Ladies, don't fall into the temptation of boys! That's what guys like that are. They are adolescents that shave! A man will honor you and respect you and want to treat you right. He wouldn't lust after you and look at you like you are a piece of meat! I am sure there are time when men are led to be bold and speak up but I didn't get that from this guy. Every time he would look at me I had an urge to go find the thickest ugliest scratchy blanket covered in manure and throw it over my body to guard myself just from his eyes! That is not how a man should look at you.

You are precious! You are worth fighting over! You deserve to have a MAN that will protect you even from himself! You are to precious to Jesus, and He loves you more than any humanly man or boy ever can or will! Don't give into the temptations of this world especially those coming from hairy boys that drive! Walk in the confidence of who God made you to be! Even if you are broken and in need of love. Look for it in Jesus. He is the only man who will satisfy that need for love! You may be blessed with an earthly man that loves you but even he will let you down. Give your heart to Jesus and let him be your EVERYTHING!!!

Life...

Life is going...great? I don't mean to sound like I am questioning it in a bad way...but I guess what I mean is life is going. Just going! I just can't believe how fast it's flying by me! On one aspect I love it because I don't like to wait and there are a few things that I am waiting for, like to hear from the school, or going to Texas for Christmas. But on the other hand its going by so fast it almost feels like I am not actually living it! And even though this week is a terrible example of it, its not like I have too much going on! I mean most weeks I have nothing to do except work, community group, and Warriors. Every night I have to find something to do. But it still is blazing past me. I dont want to forget anything about this year! It may be the last year of life as I know it! I want to remember and savor all I can. Every silly moment with my roommates, every giggle from my nieces and nephew, every prayer answered at community group, and so much more! Lord help me to slow down somehow and remember all that you have given me in this moment.

Thanksgiving

So since Thanksgiving is coming up in a couple of days I thought I would share some things I am very thankful for. I know its kind of cliche but it's my blog and barely anybody actually reads this so I can do what I want! So here I go...

I am first of all thankful for Amy from designer blogs who redid my blog. It looks beautiful!

I am thankful for my parents, all four of them! My dad is such an amazing man! He is gentle and so so loving! My mom has always been my number 1 fan! My stepmom Tammy helped me become the woman I am today. And My stepdad, Wayne has been the strong backbone I know I can count on.

I am thankful for my community house and all the beautiful women I live with! Kat, my best friend, is my perfect opposite! Rebeka is so fun to be around and talk to! My favorite moments with her have been in the morning when she is so sleepy but still will talk to me! Darlene, the home schooled horse lady, is hilarious! Every moment with her is filled with laughter! I am so thankful that I get to live with these women and see them everyday!

I am thankful for the community that I am a part of.

I am thankful for the chance to apply to New Life with the hope of being accepted.

I am thankful for the struggles that I have faced that have molded and are molding me into a better reflection of Christ.

I am thankful for the internship that I was a part of for two years where I met my best friends and learned so much!

I am thankful for Chris and Eline Helm and Brion and Katie Burkett. They have all taught me so much and have supported me through everything in the past 2 years.

I am thankful for so so so much more!

Thank you God for all that you have blessed me with!

I can't think of what to call this...

So my check for my New Life Application was cashed yesterday! Yay! That means they got it! If I get accepted there's only 8 1/2 months left! I can't believe that I might be living in another country very far away for 3 years!!! It's very surreal to think about. Anyways, a girl who was at the school left. I read her blog and I don't know all the details of why she left but it has made me really pray about if this is really what God wants me to do. I have always felt it was but I just want to be for sure for sure! Because I don't want my own fleshly passion to be what I bank on! That won;t get me very far. I need Jesus and His direction to do anything! I can already see my passion dwindling. It may not seem like it on the outside because on a scale I am still very passionate about birth but not quite as crazy as I was even a few weeks ago. And I don't think it is a bad thing. I am learning to pursue God with my passion not pursue my passion dragging God a long. And when I am focusing on Him, birth isn't as cool. Next to Jesus, everything loses its luster.

I just got done reading the new Foxes book of Martyrs and boy was it intense! I never realized how much persecution Christians have always faced. It was really awesome to hear the stories of people who were so Sold out for God they gave their lives. I want to do the same. I want to give Jesus my everything. I want to be loving Him till my last breath and then for eternity after-wards. I decided to alternate between reading my birth books and christian books so that I dont get so side tracked with all the baby talk. Now I am reading a midwife ethics book which so far is pretty boring. I want to scrap it all together but I know it is important to read. Plus I am sure I will have to read some pretty boring books in my future for school so I might as well get used to it now. Being a midwife isn't always just about the oo's and aw's of delivering. There are some not-so-fun aspects to it as well!

Well that's all for now, i should be getting a blog makeover soon! Im so excited!

I applied!

So its finally in! I applied, sent in my check, asked for references, now...I wait! I am not sure how long it will be until we find out but i wish it was today!!! I think it will be around January or February but we shall see! Lindsey and I went to the Post Office together last night and then went to Sushi to celebrate! The giants won the World Series while we were there so two exciting moments in one!!! That's all for now!

12 days until I can apply!

Yes I am counting down! I am so excited to get the application out of my hands! Then I can anxiously wait for hopefully my acceptance letter! So exciting! I can't believe that I may be living in another country in less than 10 months...How weird! A whole new culture, people, weather, food, travel! Each day it feels closer and closer to happening! I ordered the books that I need to read before I leave. They should be coming in soon and I can't wait to begin reading them! So that's what going on now...not much! Just a lot of waiting! OOOooohh, but Lindsey and I have come up with some pretty good ideas to fund raise!